back in kuching

Back in Kuching for holidays and driving to a place which is something like serian to find my friends. Feel kind of bored so decided to find my friends instead of staying home the whole 3 months. Drove up to surprise my friends to find out that they weren't there or it's an extremely busy period. So I went to the university there where i worked before to find my ex colleague but couldn't find them anywhere. So went back to find my car but there were too much renovation from the last time i was back that I find myself lost in the building and just couldn't find my car.
Started to panic coz there were a few query faces. Felt like i wasn't suppose to be there so i rushed around. I felt like crying. It was raya as well and was getting pretty late. I wanted to get out of this place coz i didn't know much people there and I still didn't have a number since i came back.
Turned around the corner of a building and bumped into R. Of all people of all places at all time. But I was glad to see him. He was happy to see me as well. He was with his friends and said his family is around somewhere. He said he'll help me look for my car at the same time we can spend time together. After all, he knew the place... he studies there.
We walked around and I felt happy to finally meet him. But somehow something was wrong. He seems to be happy I'm home but I felt like there was this distant feeling about this whole thing. Dunno if it's just me or it's true but at that time i just wanted to find my car and wanted to spend time with him. We finally found my car after quite some time and I asked him what his plan was. Told him to stay with me awhile and drive around to his car or something. So there we were in the car together again but he said he wanted me to drive. I decided i should after 1 year of not driving although i hate driving when I'm with him coz he always disturbs me about my driving. We talked but he didn't talk as much as he use to and he was always on his mobile. He looked worried as if there was something. I was just about to ask what it was when his phone rang. His mother was looking for him and asked him to fetch his other siblings so we did just that. Fetched his little sis and 2nd brother. I looked at him once more and i knew there was something that was bothering him but i didn't want to ask. I looked pretty scary and hurtful.
We reached outside where his mother was. His mother was outside waiting for them and had this scary look on her face (she always scared me). She looked at me straight into the eyes and gave a stare as if trying to figure out who i was then she gave a slight smile as if to thank me. They were all getting ready for raya and his mother was rushing them all to get ready for prayer and raya. So i just smiled and looked at my hands on the wheel. Felt like sleeping and not waking up at that moment.
R looked at me and i knew what he was going to say. I said, "nah.... not tonight. You guys look pretty busy and packed in there and parents would want me home. I'll see you soon". I left without saying another thing or hearing from him. I didn't want to feel disappointed and wish for more. I knew i loved him and i loved him so much that i couldn't stand this feeling when I'm apart from him. I know it will never work out for us in the end with our differences but this relationship is just not healthy. A few tears trickled down my checks. I didn't want him to see me depress and sad and crying again. I didn't want him to worry. I just didn't want to be negative and feel unhappy with him....
no....

Lee hom & jay chou

It felt cold, like winter in spring. Everyone was busy getting societies and clubs done-- it was some holiday season.
As usual i was worried about life. About money, about my future, about my parent's expectations , about uni and about my health. Music history assignment was due soon. Had to write a paper on non-western influence on western music. I had decided to write a little about lee hom and jay chou's music. After all, their music was a mixture of chinese culture with modern music. But i didn't quite get their music and was stressing about understanding their music properly.
Walking around after 1 of our meetings when I saw Lee hom. All proud and quite self centered yet nice. He acted something like F but not as vain as F. I had always wanted to meet him in person and thank him for inspiring me. He was talking with people trying to get attention as if to tell people that he's great although nobody else saw that. When i had the chance to talk to him, i went over eagerly with a smiley face but tried not to be like those annoying fans of his. Told him that i was doing an assignment on his music and asked if he would help me. He looked at me then as if trying to avoid the question changed the subject and not long later went off...
That was rude wasn't it? I went off disappointed. Then at the corner of my eye i noticed another person. It was jay. I wasn't a fan of his but i thought since i was also doing research on his music i might as well ask him for his help. He didn't talk much but he was nice and sweet. There wasn't much people around who wanted to talk to him and I could tell that he didn't like alot of attention. We hang out and talked. It was really interesting to get to know him. He and Lee Hom have totally different personality and jay was unbelievable. I asked him if he could help me and he willingly said he would and if i had anything which i needed help on he'd try help me. So that was sweet.
The next day, i came out of my cabin. Lee hom had gone off being busy and active and i bumped into jay again. It was a really nice feeling hanging out with him. And he looked gorgeous when he smiled. He had a million dollar smile totally different from what other people has said about how he didn't look nice when he was nothing. I told him that he looks extremely hot when he smiled instead of looking serious. He blushed and said nothing. He did heaps of fun stuff and kept on talking about each other's life. He started smiling more since that comment which got me staring at him countless times.
I'm starting to like jay now instead of lee hom.

(i think this dream came about from listening too much to non-western music and their music for my music history assignment. My paper was due today. With all the listening I realize that Jay's music is actually better then Lee Hom but Lee Hom is more open while Jay doesn't seem to project or open his mouth properly)

Pain--- a mess -- love

Been wanting to go home for ages because of that 1 person whom i adore. But somehow I had to stay back because my brother was coming here to study instead. Both my brothers and they were staying with me. I didn't know what to expect. But it wasn't going to be a pleasant trip thats for sure.
The 1st brother came. Didn't say a word and had his own room. Ignored me the whole time. My aunt thought i was being mean. But I told her that he just thought of himself. He even had his radio turned on really loud. So there was a little fight. Then after a few episodes, my 2nd brother came to stay with the same thing- making my life hell. I've already had enough of stress and this just adds up.
Walked around the neighborhood to relax. Then i started seeing eon cars.... proton cars about. I was in the suburb with dangerous people and there was a new building taken by a new company which so happened to be a malaysian car company. I felt excited. Not often you have something malaysian blossoming overseas. Surprisingly enough I saw uncle A and he was walking towards my house as if he knew my aunt as well. He said he's here with everyone else for business. I wondered what he meant by everyone else.
My whole family seemed to be here after my brothers arrived. And The house seemed bigger and cramp. Everyone was in the house so i opened the front door to find uncle A's wife, aunty J with a young lady (who was S's gf). And she said S(her 2nd son) was here as well. I was getting confused by the second but they rushed in and didn't say much. I just sat down at the front door wondering if this was a dream or that I'm just going crazy. Then there he was, S walking a small dog. He had his old coconut hair cut which looked weird. He had a smile on as if knowing what I'm going through. He looked like he knew this whole arrangement. As if he knew everyone was coming and as if he know about something which would be going on. We chatted for awhile then he showed me the house his parents have here. It was huge and 2 homeless was staying there. If stayed and leave as they please but S said they don't steal from them.
Felt like my brain was about to explode. This was just too much for me to handle. I walked back alone from S's place to find more people there. Feel like my place is turning into a free motel or something. To my shock this time it was R's family. And they were staying over as well. It seems that his parents and my parents knew each other. The whole house wasn't a pleasant sight thats for sure. I saw him from a distant but we knew our place. Missed him so and wished everyone else would just vanish but I had to keep my cool and lay low. Our parents doesn't know about us and if they knew it wouldn't be a pretty picture especially when they were all under the same roof.
His sister was sleeping in broad daylight with his youngest brother creating problems for her. The mother went to her bed which was japanese style in a cupboard with a 2nd bed/mattress on top of her like a double-decker bed and started giving her lecture. My mum was trying to reason with my brother to communicate with me and try to make peace with me after what i've told her and he was answering back trying to defend himself. Felt like leaving the place once more. I just wanted to get out from all the negativity.
In the kitchen it was quieter. Washed my hands. When i turned around, R was there standing there. He walked straight towards me to touch me and hug me. I returned his hug and wished we would never part. It was as if he couldn't wait to be with me but I knew it would be hard with our family together. At that time, our parents were in the living room talking.
We walked out the kitchen thinking of getting out of the house. But he couldn't seem to wait to tell me how much he loved me. He just sprung on me to kiss me right at the corridor. Aunt K saw us with another person and I was shocked. I wished there wasn't anyone around but we just had to leave the house NOW. I pushed him off and grabbed his arm while rushing to open the door. Could hear aunt K reporting about that and i felt like i knew what was coming. At the door R stopped me, looked me in the eye and whispered "everytime i kiss you and show how much i love and miss you you always seem to pull away". i felt like crying but just sad down at the steps and looked at him and he seemed to understand without me saying a word. "I can't stand being distant from you and I don't care if they know our relationship....", he said. Before he could say anything further, I shushed him and with my arms around him, kissed him wishing time would stop for us.
We both didn't know where else to go and there were more people coming over. Since my room was in front of the front door and the front door opened, we decided to get in my room from everyone. But unfortunately we were seen. The 2nd person who saw us in the living room was a cousin(i think it was his) and she got out of her seat looking at us.
In my room i closed the door with a deep *sigh* it was a long day for me. R took my arm and turned me around facing him putting his arms around him. I closed my eyes with a smile on my face and a tear trickled down my face out of happiness. All the noise of the house seemed to vanish and we just stood there for a moment not believing we were finally with each other after almost a year of enduring and longing. We didn't need to say anything to know how we felt. It was just unbelievable yet real. He then put my chin up facing his face. I was going to speak when he told me not to say a word... I realized he sensed i was trembling again and my lips was quivering. "I've missed you dearly and loved you ever so much.... you..." I didn't give him the chance to finish talking by kissing him. Then suddenly the door flew open without a knock (my door is hard to open with the belt thingy under the door to prevent smoke from coming in and the lock has always been broken so we didn't look the door). We parted pronto on the spot and looked shocked. Both our mothers were at the hall way looking at us with deadly eyes. "I'm dead", i thought. I was so scared i didn't know what to do. I just stood there frozen. R looked at me and just reached out and held me hand tightly telling me that he's there no matter what happens. That he won't leave me until this fight was over. It reminded me of what he said a few weeks ago. He said if it ever came to this, he'll be with me to the end of it just so that I'll be happy and get my happiness. I didn't believe him but today was different. I felt lucky to be with him but at the same time scared for him. It was the bravest, most touching thing anyone has done for me.
Our mother's were still outside my room just staring at us with disappointment and our siblings were outside were whispering and smiling to each other "they're in deep shit now...". His cousin who opened the door looked at us in guilt and kept quiet.
We walked out the room not knowing what to expect...........