the beach and you
Walking down the pathway, all I could feel at that point was depression, sadness and a whole lot of pain. Anything would trigger me to tears or just break down. Felt the whole world go dark on me. I didn't know why I felt that way. I didn't know where to go and what to do. Just did things I had to do......
Being around people didn't quite help much. But somehow A(from church i frequently go here in aussie, half aussie half indo) seemed quite concerned about me. Everyone around didn't think there was any difference but he felt like something was wrong. After everyone left to get ready for a close by party, A approached me to try comfort me. Usually I'd feel disturbed or disgust but I felt comfortable and glad there was someone with me. We didn't do much talking as i don't talk much but I started to feel better. He was talking more then me and making me smile while i finished clearing the area.
He suddenly put his arms around me from behind which felt nice. Felt like all my weight of the world had left me. Felt loved and wanted. Felt like the world was a dream. Felt like I wasn't alone in this world and that there was nothing to worry about. I don't know if i blushed but i had a huge grin on my face. It was ages since i had a nice warm hug from a friend.
We talked awhile and suddenly he asked me to be his gal. I was sort of stunt but felt i had to reply. Before I wasn't being fair to the other guys who've asked me to be their gal. I didn't want them to be disappointed with me and i didn't want to hurt them. I know I can be a huge load and I'm really hard to understand. I love those guys equally but I was just not fair to them. So I decided to take the chance. Been trying to chance with the previous guy but it's so hard to make him understand. Up till now my heart still longs for him.
There was a huge smile on A's face as if he was the luckiest man alive and that made me smile shyly. At that moment I was aware of my where abouts. We were on a huge beautiful beach village with heaps of people around my age. I wasn't intending to attend any party or socialize or just myself tangled in situations with guys interested with my looks. But with A with me, it was going to be fun. Decide to go back and freshen up. Noticed a few familiar faces and wondered what they were doing there.
A and I walked hand in hand happily pass apartments, small houses with everyone heading towards the beach for beach fire party. I had on my bikini i had with beach skirt and bare foot while A wore shorts, a shirt which showed his sort of built figure with another shirt unbuttoned and bare footed.
It was going to be a really interesting night. Starting to see more people I know. Suddenly I saw him... R... again..... He had another girl with him and he saw me hand in hand with A. I don't know if I sense the jealousy he had or it was just me. But at that moment I hoped he felt something. I was glad A didn't know about R. And at that moment I realized that I still loved R. More then he knows or I've ever mentioned, from the bottom of my heart. He too was with the girl was going to the party but non of us said anything. He just looked at me while the girl waited for him. 'Was it another one of his girlfriends? or was it another one of his fans?' , my mind wondered (a little background having our relationship quite a mess. it being on and off. it was just complicating). Before I didn't think I could trust him with all the girls he goes out with and knowing the many ex-galfrens he used to have.
At the beach, A held me tight and I felt so comfortable with him. But my mind wondered over to R. Where was he? Is he watching me? Does he still love me? Is he going to do anything to get me back? Maybe he never really did love me. Maybe he gave up on me with a heavy heart. I felt bad thinking all those. It was unfair for A but I couldn't help it. I missed R. Still do. But my heart and mind still battles about the truth. About reality. About the whole scenario.
I close my eyes hoping that this confusion would just disappear. Hoping that when I open my eyes, everything would be easy, simple and a fairy tale. But my attempts was a failure.....
Being around people didn't quite help much. But somehow A(from church i frequently go here in aussie, half aussie half indo) seemed quite concerned about me. Everyone around didn't think there was any difference but he felt like something was wrong. After everyone left to get ready for a close by party, A approached me to try comfort me. Usually I'd feel disturbed or disgust but I felt comfortable and glad there was someone with me. We didn't do much talking as i don't talk much but I started to feel better. He was talking more then me and making me smile while i finished clearing the area.
He suddenly put his arms around me from behind which felt nice. Felt like all my weight of the world had left me. Felt loved and wanted. Felt like the world was a dream. Felt like I wasn't alone in this world and that there was nothing to worry about. I don't know if i blushed but i had a huge grin on my face. It was ages since i had a nice warm hug from a friend.
We talked awhile and suddenly he asked me to be his gal. I was sort of stunt but felt i had to reply. Before I wasn't being fair to the other guys who've asked me to be their gal. I didn't want them to be disappointed with me and i didn't want to hurt them. I know I can be a huge load and I'm really hard to understand. I love those guys equally but I was just not fair to them. So I decided to take the chance. Been trying to chance with the previous guy but it's so hard to make him understand. Up till now my heart still longs for him.
There was a huge smile on A's face as if he was the luckiest man alive and that made me smile shyly. At that moment I was aware of my where abouts. We were on a huge beautiful beach village with heaps of people around my age. I wasn't intending to attend any party or socialize or just myself tangled in situations with guys interested with my looks. But with A with me, it was going to be fun. Decide to go back and freshen up. Noticed a few familiar faces and wondered what they were doing there.
A and I walked hand in hand happily pass apartments, small houses with everyone heading towards the beach for beach fire party. I had on my bikini i had with beach skirt and bare foot while A wore shorts, a shirt which showed his sort of built figure with another shirt unbuttoned and bare footed.
It was going to be a really interesting night. Starting to see more people I know. Suddenly I saw him... R... again..... He had another girl with him and he saw me hand in hand with A. I don't know if I sense the jealousy he had or it was just me. But at that moment I hoped he felt something. I was glad A didn't know about R. And at that moment I realized that I still loved R. More then he knows or I've ever mentioned, from the bottom of my heart. He too was with the girl was going to the party but non of us said anything. He just looked at me while the girl waited for him. 'Was it another one of his girlfriends? or was it another one of his fans?' , my mind wondered (a little background having our relationship quite a mess. it being on and off. it was just complicating). Before I didn't think I could trust him with all the girls he goes out with and knowing the many ex-galfrens he used to have.
At the beach, A held me tight and I felt so comfortable with him. But my mind wondered over to R. Where was he? Is he watching me? Does he still love me? Is he going to do anything to get me back? Maybe he never really did love me. Maybe he gave up on me with a heavy heart. I felt bad thinking all those. It was unfair for A but I couldn't help it. I missed R. Still do. But my heart and mind still battles about the truth. About reality. About the whole scenario.
I close my eyes hoping that this confusion would just disappear. Hoping that when I open my eyes, everything would be easy, simple and a fairy tale. But my attempts was a failure.....
posted by mya at 5:33 pm
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